Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
