some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
