Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
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Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
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You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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