Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
