You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
