I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
