I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
