So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
