id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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