So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
