I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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