I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
