Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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