there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
