I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
