I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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