Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
