the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
