I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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