you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
