he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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