She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
