Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize