I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
