I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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