Kiss
Puke
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
