I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
and you fell through a lawn chair
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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