i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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