I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
