I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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