I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
