Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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