i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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