i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
