I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
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Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
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Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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