How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
