He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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