EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
