Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
