I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
