Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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