Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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