There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
