She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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