guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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