I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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