i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
