i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
