I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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