Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
