If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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