I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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