ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
