the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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