i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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