just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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