I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
