I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
All I want is dick and wine.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
