just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize