peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
