Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
