Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
